Okay guys…in short term, I don’t really think it’s hard for me to make friends. You can blame that on either a so-called outgoing personality I was born with, or just my possible narcissism. The really hard part for me is making friends and keeping them long term. Because I’ll be the first to admit that a lot of the time, I can be hard to fully get along with.
Not long ago, I had probably the best (male) friend I’ve ever had. Like me, he’s gay, and also for the most part misunderstood by his family. We both crochet, and hit it off almost immediately (as friends only). His constant positive outlook on life was great to balance out my seemingly never ending cycle of negativity. We laughed together, made bad jokes, traded patterns….and at one point, thought of each other as a missing brother. He truly understood me like nobody else did, and I honestly can say he may have been the best friend I’ve ever had. And then. In one conversation. I fucked it all up.
My best friend was married. Is married. I was even good friends with his husband, who is also an amazing guy in his own right. I’m really glad my friend has him because there are times I wonder if he could have gotten along without him haha. But joking aside…
Because of this strong friendship, I made the mistake of telling my friend I had feelings for him. Yeah, those feelings. Obviously something you don’t tell a married person. Big fuck up. But I’m the kind of person it takes a hot minute to figure out my emotions. And I realized it wasn’t romantic love. Because I had never once thought of us being together like that. I still don’t, and never will..
The feelings I had (and still have), come from a place of having a friendship so strong, like I have NEVER had before. I’ve never had a friend that I had so much in common with, who truly seemed to fully understand me, but at the same time, is so much different from me.
Before I could let him know this, I lost contact with him. I won’t go into the details of that, because it really isn’t important. Just know that I can’t text or call him anymore. And that is what hurts me about this the most. I never got to tell him face to face I’m sorry, or get to explain myself and talk it out. It hurts more than my worst (and only) breakup.
In the aftermath of it all, I have been depressed, ashamed of myself…..I’ve even prayed, you guys….anxiety on full alert. My stomach has been in more knots than any cheap shit yarn you could buy from the bargain bin at Hobby Lobby. And for you non-crafty peeps, girrrrl that’s BAD…
If he ever reads this, I hope he can forgive me. Because we all need one amazing frand.
Anyways, it’s pizza time. Peace, bitches.